A Lousy Comparison

“It’s just like Romeo and Juliet. It’s true love,” she offered. Her friends’ approval was widespread and immediate.

The speaker was a high school student, probably a frosh or sophomore. Jeans, green shirt, taut pony tail, and grey sneakers. She was unremarkable in every way, except for the doe-eyes, big and and wide and full of life. Since I don’t know her, let’s just call her Bambi.

Surrounded by three friends, I missed the beginning of the conversation. But the R&J comment caught my attention. I slowed my walk, briefly pondered if I should intervene, and kept walking.

Look, nobody loves Willy Shakes more than me. I taught his plays almost every year–Hamlet, Julius Caesar, and of course Romeo and Juliet. I frequented the Shakespeare Theater on Navy Pier in Chicago. I dragged family and students there to witness the beauty of his work. Huge fan of Willy, no doubt about it. I love nearly all his plays. Not this one.

Romeo and Juliet has its moments. The nurse is hilarious and Mercutio has the best lines both funny and profound, but the play? It’s supposed to be a tragedy, but it seems more like a disaster.

All comparisons break down at some point. But Bambi’s declaration of love to her friends? Would you say, “Looking forward to a cruise. I think it will be like the Titanic.”? Or maybe, “We had a fantastic ski weekend. It was like the Donner Party.” How about, “I hope Thanksgiving is as tasty as the buffet at Golden Corral”?

Her simile is more strained than a broken-down mule dragging a wagon full of anvils. It just doesn’t work. Let me count the ways.

Romeo and Juliet, it’s allegedly a tragedy. Fine, I love me a good tragedy. But the prologue announces the characters as “star-crossed lovers.” Fate is against them. They got no chance. Whatever move they make is check-mated. Seems like a stacked deck. They’re already young and stupid and now we set the almighty fist of Fate against them? Yikes.

If you want insight into the decision-making abilities of the teenage brain, stay tuned.

Romeo, what a doof, a complete moron! He “loves” Rosalind until he doesn’t. Fine. He’s a teenage boy with the attention span of a gnat. He spies Juliet (oooh, look, something shiny!) and now Rosalind is dogfood? At best, he’s infatuated with Juliet, smitten with her beauty enough to break into a party hosted by his family’s mortal enemy. At worst, he’s a stalker and should be locked up for B&E. And later, Romeo helps get his best friend killed. No wonder, Juliet falls for the dude.

And Juliet, well, she just broke up with Paris, maybe because her parents liked him. The lovesick girl just can’t wait to find a replacement for Paris and voila! Here comes our boy Romeo.

(I pause for an aside. Maybe the most famous line from the play is Juliet standing on her balcony swooning, “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?” The line is misinterpreted as Juliet is searching for Romeo. Nope. “Wherefore” means Why. She’s actually asking why Romeo has to belong to the one family her family hates. Now, you know. You’re welcome.)

When it becomes obvious this romance won’t fly, Juliet asks for help from Friar Lawrence. The good friar, obviously the lover doctor of Verona, suggests that she take a drug to make it appear that she is dead for forty hours. Great plan, brother. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.

Yet, the plan does go awry. Blame Fate or the imbeciles who inhabit Verona. Romeo hears of her “death” and goes to mourn her, only to encounter Paris, her ex in the cemetery. Naturally, Romeo kills him when they scuffle. Then Romeo drinks the poison to join his lover in death. Naturally, she awakens, sees his lifeless body, and stabs herself. The body count keeps climbing.

When the events come to light, the families decide NOW is the time to reconcile and stop their silly feud. Sorry, Montagues and Capulets, the horse has left the barn, the bell has already been rung. I suppose I shouldn’t blame all this on R&J when the adults seem to be even more foolish than the kids.

Here’s the kicker: this play is commonly taught to high school students, typically ninth graders. Yes, those impressionable and confused, underdeveloped minds are subjected to this dumpster fire. Maybe you can turn this into a morality tale and say, “Hey, young people, don’t be this dumb.” But still, in the background looms the specter of Fate, wagging his finger and whispering, “Gotcha.” You can outrun stupid but nobody is fast enough to outlast Fate.

To sum up, let’s examine the positive lessons we’re passing onto our youth. 1.

Yeah, I got nothing. Which is why I pondered saying something to Bambi and her friends. She thinks she’s living the epitome of romance, modern day Juliet with her Romeo.

I hope they live happily ever after, unlike Willy Shakes residents of Verona. Or maybe she and her friends will have to learn in time what most of us have learned the hard way.

Thanks for reading!

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