Five Things I Don’t Like

I’m the outlier, the alien invader (reminds me of Space Invaders, the first video game I played, beginning a transition from pinball to arcade games). I’m the salmon swimming upstream, the goose flying north when the others are going south for the winter.

With no further delay, here we go!

1. I don’t drink coffee. Somewhere along the line, I missed the memo to grow up. Adult beverages have eluded me. All those coffee mugs and clever signs and coasters, even t-shirts mean nothing to me. When I was very young, I drank coffee, but I lost the palate for it. Melanie was my ally for a while but she passed me by somewhere in her thirties. At church, there’s a coffee pot on every table, in every room, at every event. Coffee joints proliferate, but I’m not feeling the Java Jive. Instead I remain a coffee orphan, choosing instead water or juice or (if I get really crazy), hot chocolate. I’ve never needed a caffeine fix, which leads to numero dos.

2*. I don’t sleep past 9:00 a.m. This one comes with an asterisk because it’s as much “can’t” as “don’t.” Younger Hurls had no problem sleeping to 11 or even noon, circadian rhythms being a real thing. I took early college classes to have the rest of my day. I boasted about being a “professional napper.” I spent three decades rising before the sun and wishing I could sleep in. Call it a cruel irony, the rhythm has flipped. Now retired, if I make it to 7 a.m. it’s a good night. 8 is an outlier, 9 a fantasy. Someday, I’ll experience the “big sleep” and find eternal rest.

3. I don’t eat seafood. This is heresy in the South as crawfish is king and catfish is royalty. It’s also a minority position in California, home to all manner of fresh catch of the day. I like tuna from a can (especially with Miracle Whip). Does that count? I ate trout growing up, but mostly because I caught them at Lake Yosemite. Even then, I slathered the filets in lemon and butter and held my nose. I know, I know, seafood is superfood; it lowers your cholesterol, increases energy, and keeps you from being struck by meteors. What can I say, I live on the edge (except for #5). To anyone who says, “Take a bite. It doesn’t taste like fish”–liar, liar, pants on fire. Besides, why eat fish when there is turkey?

4. I don’t want a pet. Maybe this one will change over time, but I doubt it. I know a LOT of people who want assurance that their dog will join them in Heaven. (Weird, I’ve never heard someone say, “I hope my dog joins me in Hell.” I digress.) I see hordes of folks walking their dogs in searing heat or very cold (we don’t have bitter cold here in Texas), late nights or early mornings. Last week, I even saw a dude with his cat on a leash (is that a thing?). No thanks, I say, to scooping and bagging pet waste. Or pet hair all over my clothing. Or enormous vet bills. I could cite my allergy to cats. Truth is, I never liked cats before I became allergic. Social media is populated with cute pics of dogs and adorable cat videos. I’ll probably take some hits on this one, but I’ve had two pets in my life, and I’m perfectly content being petless.

5. I don’t like roller coasters. Giant Dipper in Santa Cruz, Magic Mountain, Six Flags, Disney, Knott’s Berry Farm–done them all. I don’t share the need, the need for speed. I’m not afraid. Truly. I trust the engineers who built the track and the maintenance of the structure. Maybe it’s the inevitable wait in line. Maybe it’s the inner ear issues when I try to sleep later or urping up the overpriced hot dog I ate for lunch (if I pay that much for a dog, I want to keep it). I didn’t even like merry-go-rounds when I was a kid. I was neither born to be wild nor have I learned the trait.

There you have it, a quick glimpse into my psyche. Those aren’t the most important or controversial, but those are my “I don’ts.”

How about you?