A Prisoner’s Rant

We’ve had several days of weather here in Texas. A few inches of snow and temps in the 20’s, which would be no biggee in Chicago, but it’s Snowmagedon here. Texas homes and Texas roads (and Texans) aren’t built for cold weather. I’m finally out and about after several days of confinement. Naturally, I won’t let weather conditions color my attitude. No way; I’m better than that.

In the course of my meteorological captivity, I’ve had time to ponder. So much time. Time to read articles, interact with social media, catch up on emails and text messages. My big takeaway, pretty simple, I think.

What’s wrong with people??? It’s English, people. Learn the rules, use spellcheck, or just don’t write. Go watch some more Netflix! I’m not talking about sophisticated structures like how to punctuate a compound-complex sentence with embedded subordinate clauses. Or using the correct verb when you have two subjects joined by “or.” Oh, no. I’m talking basics here.

You want examples? Can you handle the truth? Stand back, I’m firing on all cylinders here. It’s vs. its. This is so simple I just want to puke. It’s is a contraction for “it is.” Wow, so high level, right? Like this sentence: It’s time for people to go back to school and learn some fricken’ grammar! That’s it. Add an apostrophe and tell the world you passed third grade! Otherwise, no apostrophe.

Just gettin’ started. Do you know, and I hope you do, that of is never, ever, never a verb? No matter the situation, never a verb. True story. If you ever write a sentence like, I should OF stayed home during the ice storm, someone should come to your home and burn you high school diploma. You should HAVE learned that in school. And don’t blame your teachers either. No, this one is on you. They taught it, you just didn’t learn it. But you should HAVE learned it. It’s so simple. (See what I did there?)

Quick and easy one. Alot is not a word. Excise it from your vocabulary. Now. We did not have alot of snow. No and no. We had a lot of snow. Boom!

Same with irregardless. It’s not a word. Never has been. Regardless, now that’s a word, a fine word. This is another one to excise from your brain. And if someone uses irregardless, roll your eyes and, if appropriate, beat them with a crowbar. Okay, just do the eye roll thing. Regardless of your past, learn to use the word correctly.

I’m not even sure if I should mention this next one. If you’ve read this far, maybe you’re up to the task. Take a deep breath. This will involve a few grammar terms. I believe in you; you can do this. (Yes, that’s just something teachers say to bolster your confidence.)

The difference between me and I. You with me so far? I is the subject of a sentence, like this sentence: I want to hit you in the face with a snowball. You’d never say Me want to hit you. (Unless you’re Cookie Monster, and if you are Cookie Monster, will you please send me some cookies? This winter thing is dragging me down.)

Most people get that part right. It’s the object part that fogs their brain. If I offer, “Cookie Monster sent Mel and I/me some chocolate chip cookies.” Well, which is it? C’mon, you have a 50/50 chance to get the right answer. I know. Now, your palms are sweating and you’re worried you’ll get the wrong answer. Maybe some PTSD flashback to your test-taking days, pencil hovering over a scantron page with your entire future hanging in the balance. I guess you should have studied.

The answer is, of course, me. I know, I know, it doesn’t sound educated. Even if you say it in a British accent, me doesn’t sound like the right answer. Cookie Monster sent Mel and ME… Really? But it is, in fact, correct. Go eat a lot cookies if you answered correctly.

I’m not getting into rules on how to distinguish subjects and objects. The next time you’re in solitary confinement, look it up. Most of the time, subjects appear in the beginning of the sentence and objects in the back half. When in doubt, voice the sentence with great confidence and hope that the listener, like most of ‘Merica, doesn’t know the rule.

How about who/whom? Haha, I won’t even try that one. Either you get it or you don’t. Instead, I turn to The Office for a cogent explanation of this one. Bonus: the clip contains info on powerpoint as well as office relationships.

One more point to cover before I take a nap for no apparent reason because I haven’t done anything strenuous for days. Ever wonder the difference between toward and towards? This is beautiful. Toward with no s, is correct and mostly used in North America. Towards is also correct and is used primarily in Britain and Australia. That’s it.

Consider this double good news. 1-You can’t get it wrong. 2- You can belittle others who don’t know the difference, acting as if there is some rule. “Dude, you don’t know the difference between toward and towards?” you say. When they nod in humiliated disgrace, you drop some arbitrary, fictional rule. “During Daylight Savings time, use toward. Unless, it’s an infinitive or appositive phrase or a command given to extra-terrestrials.” They will marvel at your wisdom.

There are another million subjects I’d love to broach, all the reasons this country is going to hell in a handbasket. (That’s an odd phrase, don’t you think? There are some interesting theories of how it came about. Take a look.) I’d love to lecture you more, but there is work to be done, an urgent task has arisen.

“Hey, you hooligans, get off my snow!”

Thanks for reading!

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